What they don't tell you...

So here I find myself pregnant again (really, I need to figure out what causes it!!!) and now I like to think of myself as kind of an "expert" on the whole thing. I know people have had way more children than I ever will, i'm certainly not a Mrs. Duggar by any means. BUT, having "been there and done that" at least once, I like to think I know one or two things about this whole ordeal we call "pregnancy". I periodically get updates on friends of a friend who are pregnant with their first. One of my best friends currently has 6 pregnant friends, all due around the same time. I get to hear about some of their ailments and sometimes I chuckle because it only gets worse!! So here's my list of things people don't tell you about pregnancy and childbirth - and don't tell you for good reason:

1. Your nose will be stuffed up throughout most of the pregnancy. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this except learn to breathe through your mouth.
2. The waking up at 3 and 4 and 5 and not being able to sleep is NOT conditioning you for waking up with a newborn. There is nothing on this planet that can prepare you for only getting two hours of sleep at a time, 24 hours a day, for at LEAST 2 months straight. NOTHING.
3. Later in pregnancy (and earlier in your second pregnancy) you will pee your pants every single time you sneeze, cough or laugh. This does NOT go away after the baby is born. If anything it gets worse. And I have to say that with multiple pregnancies you may as well kiss "normal" function of your bladder good bye.
4. While giving birth you will poop and pee on the table. And as much as this horrifies you, you and the nurse cleaning it up will probably be the only ones who know this is happening. For some reason this is completely normal and no one else in the room really seems to care or notice.
5. While giving birth you will most likely push out the largest hemorrhoid ever recorded in history. This will not easily go away and will scare you away from the bathroom for months. Get a prescription, it will help. Also, you will probably eat stool softener like they are Pez. They will be your friend.
6. Later in pregnancy, buy slip on shoes. I give props to anyone who can still tie a shoe at 8 months pregnant.
7. You can write out the most detailed birthing plan, practice breathing, get your focus pictures ready, birthing balls packed, music picked out and just know how everything is going to transpire once you get to the hospital. Throw all of these things away, you won't be needing them. Nature will decide how things go and no matter how prepared you think you may be, you're NOT. I can promise you it won't go as planned.
8. Don't poo poo an epidural or pain meds. Some people can do it but most can't. And if you are induced you may as well have them hook up the epidural at the same time the Pitocin starts. This is the worst pain you will ever feel and i'm sorry but those stupid birthing classes are to just trick you into thinking there is a "natural" way around the pain. HAHAHAHA!!!!!
9. Speaking of pain meds...be prepared for the epidural to NOT WORK. Then you can really be mad at the birthing classes and breathing techniques that don't work.
10. I'm still waiting for the "magical moment" when I hold my baby and the memory of the pain just disappears.
11. I'm sure there are many more things I could go into but i'll stop. Just remember that how bad the pain gets and how awful things may be, it really is a short time and you will get through it.